You'll understand when you have kids

Did anyone ever say this to you? Have you ever over heard someone else say "you'll understand when you have kids"? Although this statement seems like a classic from a bygone era, it endures. Despite its persistence, I don't know why people say it. Well, maybe I do, but still, if you're on the receiving end, what are you supposed to say?

I would argue that people who don't have kids do actually understand what its all about. Not all the painful details mind you, but well enough. Which might begin to explain why people are waiting longer these days to jump into the kiddie pool. Now, I hate to break it to you, but the word is out, having kids changes your life. So much so that a recent article in Maclean's has recently outlined a growing number of people who are deciding not to have kids. Really? This is news? Well, no, but now there is "a tiny but growing minority challenging the final frontier of reproductive freedom: the right to say no to children without being labelled social misfits or selfish for something they don’t want." Has it really come to this? Yes. Should you be surprised? Probably not.

I hope it brings as much joy to your heart as it did to mine to learn of No Kidding! which is an "international social club for childfree couples and singles". I guess keeping no schedule, dressing fashionably, following trends, staying up late (on purpose), sleeping in and going for brunch is unfortunately not as satisfying as it once was? See what happens when parents keep telling non-parents they will understand when they have kids! You send them running into the arms of international social clubs! What's a dad to do who still wants to hang with the cool kids?

Sorry about that, I think I was supposed to be arguing in favour of team parenthood (we're cool, we're hip). But wait a minute now, isn't it the childfree who are supposed to not want to hang with the childbound? But now you're telling me that those hipsters without kids are upset, and aren't gonna take it anymore, because they don't want to have kids but everyone else thinks they should. Okay now I'm confused.

Reading the above article, and especially the online comments (!), I got to thinking how odd it is that these two solitudes seem to have gotten so polarized. Nothing captures this divide quite like stroller angst. Everyone seems to have an opinion on the modern stroller, and much like other things in the world of parenting, ambivalence is no where to be found. Ask anyone and they will freely offer up the fact that strollers are either a sign of impending doom, or manna from heaven. I am all in favour of most anything that makes life easier (I will have much more to say on this in the future) but even I have to admit that some of them are ridiculously large. Still, a friend of mine was recently asked by her childfree friends "you don't bring your stroller into stores with you, do you?" Hopefully they' ll understand what a silly question that is when they have kids. But when my wife and I were living in Sweden a couple years ago, this is exactly what we saw. On a brisk December morning in Gothenburg, we walked past a lone stroller outside a coffee shop with its young resident still bundled warmly inside, sleeping, and of course, happy. The child's parents were just on the other side of the glass. But we just don't roll like that here. Which is a shame.

But here's the rub. You can't ever really understand when (or if) you have kids because every child is unique. Its the same story even when you have kids. Its probably more accurate to say "you'd understand if you had my kid", but that sounds awful. I think you can see why. But if you don't. It's okay. You will. When you have kids.